To be in your children’s memory tomorrow, you have to be in their lives today

 

Kwar Adhola interacting with children. Children grow to cherish 
what they do when loved and cared for

By Mark Olweny-Omalla

While there is little you can do about your ancestors, there is something that you can do about your descendants. One thing that prevents a man from being a good father is that he hasn’t completed being a boy.

To be in your children’s memory tomorrow, you have to be in their lives today. Having children doesn’t make you a father. Raising them does.

There are many of us who were raised up in unstable families, but we don’t have to pass it on to our children. We don’t have to fight in the presence of our children. We can choose to shield their emotions from our disputes as adults.

To a large extent, you are a product of your early relationships. Unstable parents create insecure children. Stable parents raise stable children. Children need affection (hugs), attention (listening) and affirmation (positive words), every day.

When a man loves his wife, it creates security and stability. The best gift a father can give his children is to love their mother. Children learn how to handle feelings, losses, failure and conflicts at home.

Regrettably, parenting can neither be delegated nor suspended for a while as we work for the ring of fame and fortune. The growth of children is irreversible. Like a young tree, it takes the bends directed by the gardener, so is the life of a child. You can’t shape it in adulthood; you can’t pick it from where you left after you reach the top in your career pursuits. It’s always easier to model young boys than to rehabilitate grown up men.

No amount of gifts and meeting financial obligations can replace your personal presence. Any written WILL can be torn in a few years after the demise of the writer of the will. The only sure inheritance that you can leave behind is the investment you make in your child, not for your child.

Here are twelve strategies that will help you become a more authoritative parent:

1.  Listen to your child

Unlike authoritarian parents, who believe children should be seen and not heard, authoritative parents welcome their children’s opinions. So whether your child is telling you the same joke for the tenth time, or he’s sharing a long-winded story, be a good listener. Giving your child positive attention goes a long way toward preventing behaviour problems.

 

2.  Validate Your Child’s Emotions

Authoritative parents acknowledge their children’s feelings. So the next time your child is upset, resist minimizing your child’s feelings by saying, “stop crying, there’s no reason to get upset.” To him, it might be a big deal. Instead, Validate his emotions by saying, “I know you are really sad right now.” Correct his behaviour, not his emotions. Tell him it’s OK to feel angry, but give him consequences for that action.

 

3.  Consider Your Child’s Feelings

Being authoritative means taking your child’s feelings into consideration. That doesn’t mean, however, that your child gets an equal vote - that would constitute permissive parenting. So if you’re planning to move across the country, ask him how he feels about the move - but don’t ask him if it’s OK if you move. They feel more secure when they know adults know best.

 

4.  Establish Clear Rules.

Authoritative parents have clear household rules and they explain the reasons behind their rules. So rather than saying, “Go to sleep because I said so, “say, “Go to sleep so that you can help your body and brain growth.” When your child understands the reasons behind your rules, he’ll likely follow the rules when you aren’t there to enforce them.

5.  Offer One Warning for Minor Issues

Authoritative parents give immediate consequences for rule violations. But for minor issues, they offer a warning. They tell children what the consequence will be if they don’t change their behaviour.

6.  Use Consequences That Teach Life Lessons

Authoritative parents don’t make kids suffer for their mistakes. They avoid shaming children and they don’t use corporal punishment. They don’t say things like, “I’m so disappointed in you”. They help a child see he made a bad choice, but he’s not a bad person.

7.  Offer Incentives

Authoritative parents use rewards to motivate children. When a child is struggling with a specific behaviour problem, they use incentives to help a child get back on track.

 

8.  Let Your Child Make Little Choices

Authoritative parents give options over little choices. This empowers kids and will prepare them to make bigger decisions later in life. So ask your child, “Do you want to clean your room before or after dinner?” The key is to make sure you can live with either choice.

9.  Balance Freedom with Responsibility

Authoritative parents expect their kids to be responsible and they set them up for success. An example:

·      A child often forgets to pack all of the items she needs for school. Her parents create a checklist for her. Provide extra support initially, but make sure that your child isn’t becoming more dependent on you to tell him what to do.

10.             Turn mistakes into learning opportunities.

Authoritative parents don’t embarrass kids for making mistakes. So when your child makes a mistake, explain why her behaviour was a bad choice.

11.             Encourage Self-Discipline

Don’t calm your child down every time he’s upset. Teach him how to calm himself down. And don’t nag your child to do his chores. Help him become more responsible for getting his work done on his own.

12.             Maintain A Healthy Relationship with Your Child

Authoritative parenting isn’t about barking orders. Instead, it’s about being a good role model and teaching kids life skills.

Unlike authoritarian parents, authoritative parents are warm and loving. Set aside a few minutes every day to give your child your undivided attention – even on the days when they behave badly.  

 

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Mark Olweny Omalla is 2^nd Deputy Jago and Koch Clan Leader