By Mark Olweny-Omalla
A family is traditionally defined as a group consisting of two parents ( a father and a mother) and their children living together as a unit. To belong to family is to feel you have someone who you can count on who shares your joys and problems. It also means to have respect and responsibility for each other. Family is an important word we use to refer to people we love.
Family was God’s idea. In Gen 1:27, 28, it is said: “God created them, male and female. He blessed them and said, “Be fruitful, increase in number, fill the earth and subdue it”. We are more than conquerors if we work together as family.
In Padhola, even long before the coming of Christianity and Bible we have been and we are “our brothers’ keepers”, because we value family.
Did you know that?
• Of all children born in Padhola from early 1990s, about 25% of them are born out of wedlock (marriage) and sometimes their fathers are not known or revealed.
• As much as about 75% of all couples cohabit for some time before marriage. The trend is for people to get formally married later in life. The average age at first marriage for the elite family is about 25 year of age for women and about 30 years for men.
• Teen pregnancy prevalence has continued to rise in Padhola and generally in Uganda where 25% of all teenage girls have had a child or are pregnant
• Landscape for children is changing where;
- about 40% of young adults grew up with cohabiting parents
- 20% of children live with step parents and/or step siblings, these children have 30% higher chance of developing aggressive behaviour.
This is clear evidence that the family is changing, but not for the better. In fact the family, in this era, is indeed in crisis.
Family power dynamics
In families where Dad’s word is a command the boys will grow up to be bossy and the girls may learn to be so submissive that they are almost scared of their husbands and think that is what it is meant to be. Of course there are cases where Mum is “she who must be obeyed”. Where gender roles are strictly prescribed, e.g. child care is a mother’s role, the father may end up being uninvolved or absent in the lives of his children. Where everything is left to the mother, she gets overworked and overwhelmed and is then accused of not paying attention to her husband anymore. When a child is sexually abused in childhood, he or she is likely to sexually abuse children when he or she grows up, and the cycle continues.
Nature of parents’ relationship
Children who are sure that Mum and Dad love each other grow up into confident, focused and well-adjusted adults. Otherwise they are at the risk of doing drugs and alcohol to escape from the constant anxiety they feel.
Parenting style – soft or strict parent?
Some parents give in to whatever demands their children make, under the pretext that they suffered a lot of poverty in their childhood and don’t want their children to suffer a similar experience. They fail to set boundaries and direction for their children. They produce selfish adults who respect no one’s rights except their own. They suffer from “affluenza”. On the other hand parents that are too strict bring up very timid children with very under-developed cognitive abilities, since they never need to think, but only to obey.
Number of children
On the one hand having a large number of siblings could develop the children’s collaborative and sharing skills. But, it can also result in clique formation, Siblings infighting and in many cases inadequacy of the essentials of life, such as food. This may lead to much anxiety.
An absentee parent
A young single parent recently testified that she cannot spend quality time with her son since her job is very demanding . She had ended up sending the child to boarding school. Parental absenteeism denies the children a chance to learn moral values and life skills from parents. The son of a friend of mine committed suicide and in the father’s lamentation he blamed his son’s death on his own pre-occupation with matters of state and ignoring the needs on his son, growing up. Parents, when our children are young they crave for our love and attention, but when they grow up we crave their Love and attention. Woe to you if you were not there when they needed you. They will also not be there when you need them.
Family events and how they affect family members
• Unfaithfulness. Children are revolted when they find out, but they too will grow up to behave in a similar manner
• Divorce. Divorce deeply destabilizes the children. Their love and loyalty to both of you is divided. Someone once wondered, “why we, adults, expect our children to deal with issues that we couldn’t handle?”
• Unemployment. It threatens the family as the husband/father’s sense of self-worth is shattered. That makes it very difficult, if not impossible, for him to play his family roles as its Head..
• Domestic violence . Whatever the reason for domestic violence is, it is bad and must be condemned in the strongest terms possible. The only way to impress your wife with how strong you are is to challenge Golola to dual at the wrestling ring. Fighting someone who is obviously weaker than you is hypocrisy and can appear to be a pre-emptive strike against someone you are afraid of.
• Mental and physical health difficulties are probably what God had in mind when he required us to vow, “in sickness and in good health or for better or for worse”. Marriage is not always just a bed of roses. The roses often come with their painfully piercing thorns.
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Mark Olweny-Omalla is the 2nd Deputy Jago and Koch Clan Leader.
This article was written to mark the 25th Coronation anniversary of Kwar Adhola
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